Welcome back to the Commissioner’s Corner. On this week’sepisode, we will be recapping week 5’s shenanigans and giving out the Week 6 predictions.
Island Update
Week 5 Update!
The Machete resurfaced back to the island when he ran out of fish to swallow. He proceeded to stalk The Romosexuals and finally he caught his pray. Rumor has it; the Machete ate The Romosexuals raw and has replaced The Romosexuals on the island.
Onofrio stole my steam with the National Inquirer cover, and I cannot think of anything funnier to say. Team GFY continue their streak of bad luck and get booted off the island.
Free Agent Auction Recap:
Two teams made is rain FAAB cash this week. Mean Machine went bankrupt while wasting all their remaining FAAB cash on EJ Manuel, who turned out to still be the backup. Tough break for the Mean Machine. The Rookie went nuts to solve his RB2 debacle. This nigga dropped $61 on a guy who may not get the bulk of the carries and who has done nothing in his NFL career so far. I hope The Rookie has something up his sleeve with this move for his sake.
Trade Recap:
Team DTA minus the ghost have been saying it for weeks that Cassel would take over the job. Hats off to ya on this call. Hopefully you get JD’s cheap ass to pay up any bet he made with you on this situation. You pushed hard for gold for 3 weeks, and once it was announced that Cassel had the job, you settled for bronze. I am sure Crabtree will be okay, but this one was a head scratcher considering your previous asking price.
I will not go into detail about the other trade, but I will leave you with 3 facts.
Week 5 Recap:
All Fired Up (168.1) vs The Romosexuals (153)
Tantrums were thrown, and tears were shed (literally). Poor managing lost this one for The Romosexuals. I cannot fathom a world where someone would start Ryan Mallet over Superstar Matt Hasslebeck. The Romosexuals need to go on a soul searching mission after this loss. All Fired Up keeps living by the motto, “Offense sells tickets, and defense wins games”.
The Monstars (135.3) vs Vonteego Cross (160.1)
Peyton Manning continues to disappoint for the Monstars, and could not help capitalize on a Monstar performance by Blake Bortles. The Monstars tried banking on the Giants D, but Kaepernick reminded them why Ron Jaworski said that he could be the “Greatest Quarterback of All Time”.
Team GFY (134.7) vs Team DTA (159.8)
Team GFY cannot get out of their own way this season. There is nothing they can do until they get healthy. Team DTA hopped on Eli’s back and never looked back. Also, a note to both of you, stop streaming defenses and find a good one.
Ortiz’s Fleshlight (121.5) vs One Boob Circus Freak (148.5)
The Rookie wrote a check his team couldn’t cash. After all the shit talking he did, he lost, and never had a chance. Who the fuck is Mumphrey? And why would you start him over Andre Johnson? One Boob Circus Freak looks legit this season and continues to go unnoticed as a top team in this league.
Beat Down of the Week
Hail Mary To The King (188.5) vs The Gingersnaps (100.7)
Rick had player score half of The Gingersnaps points, and that player was on his bench. The Gingersnaps start their Beat Down of the Week streak and I don’t see it stopping any time soon.
Matchup of the Week
Mean Machine Child Beaters (151.9) vs The Trojans (167.9)
Allow me to reintroduce myself, my name is Gates, G to the ATES. Yeah, this match was really tight until this guy came back and went nuts. The duel tight end play may have cost Mean Machine in this matchup, but they should bounce back next week.
Week 5 Pick Results!
Wins: 5 Losses: 1
Season Long: 16-8
Week 6 Picks!
Vonteego Cross over The Gingersnaps
One Boob Circus Freak over All Fired Up
Ortiz’s Fleshlight over Hail Mary To The King
Mean Machine Child Beaters over The Romosexuals
Team GFY over The Monstars
The Trojans over Team DTA
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