Commissioner’s Corner
It has been a while since the last Commissioner’s Corner, and a lot has happened. This will be the first of a weekly column done by yours truly. I know my opinion is the least valued in the league (maybe Timbo has me beat), but I am going to give it to the people regardless. Last year I wrote two articles in which MY crystal ball was rock solid. My draft grades, though highly discredited, were pretty spot on (I got 3 projected records right). This year I plan to give more insight on all the happenings in Pussy Palace that go on week to week.
Draft Recap:
This year’s draft was absolute chaos, but at the end of the day it was successful. Even with the drunken fools (I’m looking at you Chuck!) causing a ruckus, we managed to stay within the allotted time and finish the draft. For this I am proud of you guys. However, this year’s venue was truly disappointing. They hid $50 in fees, there weren’t enough tables, and it was small and crowded. Next year I plan to schedule the rules meeting in the spring time so we have more time to talk next year’s draft plans.
The draft itself was interesting. There were a lot of steals and a lot of reaaaaaaaching. The shock of the draft this year was how quickly QBs jumped off the draft board. 26 QBs (not including keepers) were taken in the first 100 picks. This was so fast, that the “Retard of the Draft” (Myself) only drafted 1 QB. In other news, we had a trade out of right field for the first overall pick. Completely under the radar, Mean Machine Child Beaters worked deals that turned Andrew Luck into Aaron Rodgers and Rob Gronkowski. We may hate how they got there, but they got what they wanted. Now how about some draft awards?
**Disregarding Week 1 and Keepers**
Steal of the Draft: The R Tards, Carson Palmer, Round 7 Pick 3
Reach of the Draft: The Gingersnaps, Jason Witten, Round 7 Pick 4
Laughable Pick of the Draft: All Fired Up, Victor Cruz, Round 5 Pick 2
Projected Keeper of the Draft: Vonteego Cross, Round 5 Pick 9
Homer of the Draft: Tie, Romosexuals (4 Cowboys), Gingers (3 Rams, 1 Lion)
Draft MVP: Mean Machine Child Beaters
Draft Murphy: The Monstars
Week 1 Recap:
All Fired Up (157.6) vs Hail Mary To The King (127)
This match was never in question. HMTTK has some roster reworking to do. His QBs are outside the top 30 in the league and barely cracked 10 points combined. AFU was carried by strong Special Teams, which can’t be relied upon a week to week basis.
The Rookie (149.4) vs Mean Machine Child Beaters (169.4)
This was an uphill battle for the rookie starting with Gronk’s monstrous Thursday Night debut. The Rookie made a good push with a an average week’s total that could keep him competitive moving forward, but The Child Beater’s questionable RB core came to play and did their job.
The Gingersnaps (154.3) vs Team DTA (140.9)
Rookie Marcus Mariota leads team DTA to victory with 29 points in his rookie debut. Well that should be the headline, but instead I have to go with Murphy’s shit pick paid off and helped lift them over the under preforming QB duo of Joe Shitcco and Eli Gaynning. Questionable coaching has always been Team DTA’s downfall. The real question is when will DJ take over?
The Trojans (144.9) vs Team GFY (164.7)
In the battle of the Super Heavyweights, Team GFY smoothly walks all over Machete. Does anyone have any idea why Machete starts Maxx Williams? Team GFY had everyone show up to play and won as expected.
Beat Down of the Week
The Stuttering BLOB (167.2) vs The Monstars (118.1)
As expected, the Monstars shit the bed. With the poorest roster in the league and a big injury, moves are expected to get this team back on track. The BLOB could do no wrong with his 3, count them 3 elite QBs. The BLOB should be a force moving forward.
Matchup of the Week
The Romosexuals (181.1) vs Vonteego Cross (171.6)
This matchup went down to the wire all the way down to the 4thquester of Monday Night Football. With the 2 highest scores in the league, both teams had to overcome some very underwhelming performances. I cannot talk much about this game, or you will all taste the extreme saltiness spewing from my soul. Both teams are good. Both teams have a bright future. This matchup could be a preview of the Pussy Palace Bowl.
Week 2 Picks!
Vonteego Cross over All Fired Up
The Stuttering BLOB over The Trojans
The Gingersnaps over The Monstars
Team GFY over The Romosexuals
Team DTA over the Rookie
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